I had a bad dream

09.28.04 (2:01 pm)   [edit]


I Had A Bad Dream
9-28-04
tblog journal entry cottoncandy68.tblog.com

It's 4:45am in the morning. I was awakened by a dream. I dreamt that it was at that moment just before dawn when there is just enough light to see. I went outside because it was raining to find my tires slashed, seats torn and writing all over the car that I cannot entirely make out. As I walk up to the car papers begin to blow past me in the wind and light drizzle. As I get up close enough to look inside, I see that it is all of my and Tom's letters that I have kept. Strown and torn all over the place. I pulled the car up to the front door, slashed tires and all and got out,,, now lighter enough to make out part of the writing, I see the words.. "Tom loves ######" I dont know who the name was because it was scratched out... but I knew that Tom didn't do this to me,,, but couldnt understand who had. I started rubbing out some of the writing because it was embarrassing of some of the things written about me, I didn't want the neighbors to read it. But decided not too in case the police came. I began to run to my mothers house which is not far away. I came up to her carport and her porch lights were on, I was trying to get into her car for something but I'm not sure what,,, she came to the door and asked me what was wrong and I told her someone had vandalized my car,,, then I woke up...
I lay here in bed for a few minutes trying to go back to sleep and suddenly a feeling of uneasiness came over me and I got up. I went outside to check my car and my inside light was on. I walked up to the car halfway expecting something to be wrong but it wasn't. Noah must have hit my dome light again. I stood outside for a few minutes in the early morning air admiring the moon in its full glow. Then went back inside still feeling uneasy,, slightly afraid. I was worried about Tom. Walking across the floor I remembered when I used to have bad dreams or get scared and run to Tom to hold me, and he did. Or when we weren't together and I called him in the middle of the night scared from a nightmare and he talked to me. If we weren't on speaking terms I would call Bill.
But I guess it's time I grow up, and stop being such a big baby... I lay down and grab this notebook to write this down. 5:15am

.:Facing the Truth:.

09.27.04 (8:14 am)   [edit]


An unconcious and unspoken insinuation, recognized and identified... leaves me with a feeling of vonurability that I have desperately and purposely conspired within myself to disguise and at all cost deny.
Now discovered I stand in the center of the entire universe of judgement naked, holding my breasts in a crouched position, a worthless attempt to keep the least bit of dignity in the humilliation of such a mere discovery that means nothing to everyone, but the loss of something sacred and secret to myself. With this undeniable truth that I have whole heartedly and with certain readiness denied, screaming in my presence that it does exist and I am a liar to myself for having denied it.
And yet,,, seeing it,,, hearing it,,, and feeling it's energy radiating throughout existence, I cannot utter the simple words of recognition, less raise my eyes to look it head on nor exempt any form of acknowledgement. With my eyes fixated on the ground, I feel a stabbing in my chest as my heart desperately attacks my person in a rise against myself to acknowledge and defend what it has seen and understood to be the truth, yet quietly and with much abuse suffers daily and consistantly with my denial. Until at last my fought back tears are subsided, and I rise with my head held high and walk away pretending to myself that it does not exist and without the slightest thought I continue on my way as if I"ve left nothing behind, quietly fighting the silent war my heart has waged within me.
Then without one single assumption that I am loosing my mind with the terrified fear of having this reallity before me again, I dare not look back nor pretend to think on it. Reminding myself mentally to maintain my denial in all essence and disguise any hints that may lead otherwise..
And my heart prepares itself for an eternity of suffering...