moon
07.25.04 (5:55 pm) [edit]*static*
"This is the keymaster..."
*static*
"Gate, do you remember the moon?"
*static*
*silence*
Significance
07.18.04 (6:30 pm) [edit]A- A Bad Day made better with one smile
B- Blog comments
C- Cookies and milk
D- Driving while holding hands
E- Eternity in a glance
F- Forever in a kiss
G- Glances exchanged through a rearview mirror
H- Happiness in the touching of hands
I- Intimacy in pitch black
J- Jonangie
K- Kisses short or long, loving or passionate, anyway or in any time of the day
L- Lovemaking under candlelight
M- Making plans for a future together
N- Needing you so desperately when we've only been apart for a short time
0- One second gestures that become etched forever in memory
P- Peace in ten minutes beneath the stars
Q- Quietly looking into one anothers eyes
R- Reminscing about when we first met and moments spent together
S- Sitting together watching a storm come in
T- Time, every second spent near one another
U- Understanding and accepting
V- Viewing a movie for the one hundredth time curled up together
X- Xrated comments whispered in moments of intimacy
W- Wrapped up in each others arms
Z- Zero times I've wished to be away from you
I would wish to list every single thing that is significant of you to me, but I could spend all day and never list them, because every moment with you is significant to me. Waking up to your warmth, kidding around with you, being in love with you, being a part of your life, every detail of every time we are together is important to me. Even the moments that seem frustrated. I love every one.
You Are Coming
07.14.04 (8:05 pm) [edit]I feel you just outside, tip toeing around waiting for the right moment. I knew you would return, but it seems so long ago that I have almost forgotten your presence. But today I felt you... I felt you in the wind as I watch the trees dance in the breezes... I felt you on my face as I closed my eyes and that sweet familiarity brought me back to the many times you have returned to me, warming my heart and making me homesick for you. I felt you in the sunlight, warm but not burning as it is in the heat of the summer, that warmth that makes you want to curl up under a tree with a good book and waste the day away in nowhere and anywhere as long as it is wasted. I felt you in the scents of summers death... knocking on that mortal door of passing knowing that it's on the end of it's journey. Little hints of you coming to me everyday make me wish you were here now... how will I wait patiently when I need you so? Tonight I will sit out under the stars reminescing about the time I sat under them with you last year, finding myself, searching for answers to questions I hadn't ask yet. And the many times I have sat under them with you before. Even as a child... lying in the bed of the pick up truck gazing up at them watching the trees pass as the wind caught them up as if a storm were brewing and yet the stars lay still, gazing into my gaze we shared eternity.
You are coming to me... I feel you... I sense you nearing and when you get here I will be complete for a time. This is the season of me. I feel powerful, full, and unstoppable. I can accomplish anything and explore everything, I anticipate the death, the ending, the falling away... I long for it.. this is the time for me.... I am at my best in your decay. Will you hurry? Will you come to me at last?
Spiderman
07.01.04 (11:11 pm) [edit]I took the kids to see Spidey2 tonight.. and that movie was awesome...
I mean it was
AWESOME!
It was like soooo much better than Spiderman 1 and I really liked 1 but 2 was off the hook.
Peter Parker was so much... like how I feel sometimes. I really related. Feeling kinda spread thin between everyone in your life that you don't have the chance to live for yourself... I so much feel that way and I so much feel like giving up sometimes and just hiding.
But what was the tear jerker in this movie was that all along when he thought he was all alone and that he had so much on him... MJ was there backing him, and in the end... "Saved" him as she put it... and when he took off to be there for everyone as he always has in the end.. he knew that when he was done.. that she would be there by his side understanding and supporting him.
It was so great...
On the way home at after 1am this morning.. I felt...
Lonely...
So very much alone.... and very much lost as much as Peter lost himself...
The kids are asleep in the car with me and I'm remembering when I was married and coming home from the movies... having someone there holding my hand.. helping me get the kids in... settling things for the night... and crawling into bed with me holding me until morning and then up and off to our next day... Knowing that when I came home that someone would be there waiting for me... and that while we were away from home that day that our goal was to do what we had to do that day to keep our family going and then regroup to be together when the day was over..
And for the first time in a long time....
I missed my husband...
It was all I could do to keep from crying when I pulled Noah out of his seat and carried him into that empty house.
I am so much in love right now that it confuses me as to how I could feel such loneliness when I have so much happiness with my love.... It's amazing and wonderful, everytime I think about him my heart swells and I am over joyed that I have such a wonderful person in my life.. and that I love him the way I do.. and to know that he loves me as dearly...
So why is it not enough?
Is it because I have spent the better part of my adult life married and living with someone... having that type of a family enviornment everyday... Perhaps I feel lonely because I don't have it anymore and my relationship right now has to be less committed than that?
I'm sitting here right now.. typing this... knowing that when I get off here I'm going to go put my night clothes on and crawl into bed alone.. I'm going to wake up in the morning by myself.. get the kids up... give my cousin a ride to work... come back here take care of getting my water and electric turned on at the house I'm moving into (by myself)... go to work... pick up my check and pay bills of which are my own responsibility, not with the help of a spouse,,, get off work, pick the kids up... decide between me and them what's for supper because there is no one to ask what they want me to cook for them... get them dropped off at their Father's for the weekend... take care of anything that needs to be taken care of before the weekend.... get ready and go hang out with my boyfriend...
A huge lifestyle change from what I was doing this time last year... all of this knowing that I am soon to be 32 years old this year, and not getting any younger,,, and seeing each year that I planned to spend with that special someone slowly slip by and try to remember what I did with it.
I feel like Peter Parker sitting in his room at the end of that movie... starring at the wall knowing that all that lies between me and it are my thoughts.. and waiting for someone to be standing in my doorway to "save" me...
July
07.01.04 (6:54 am) [edit]Well June has finally passed by and good riddance as far as I'm concerned.
Definately been a rough month.. but I had some good moments and I guess I should refect on those...
Such as Jonathan.. always good and always a bright point in my darkness.. My kids are one things that I can be thankful for everyday of every month. Gate has reappeared at a time when I really needed him to.. and I feel like when he needed me as well. My roommate and I both found separate housing. My job seems to be taking a turn for the better as far as what I'm going to be doing. I had a really long needed chat with some of the group members from Embrace the Vampires. And aside from nearly loosing my mind,,, I think it was a pretty good month in all.
July I predict to be a hectact month... with moving and all.
But I feel something is in the wind..
Something is coming...
And I know it's not a good thing...
I'm not going to commit myself to the thought that there is disaster headed my way... but I think I should definately be prepared for it.
I have a sick feeling in my stomach... and I know it's coming... I just dread to see what it is.
I'm going to try to think as positively as I can.. and hope to avoid whatever it is. Yes avoid...