alone
04.30.04 (8:03 pm) [edit]What is it to have friends and loved ones?
What are they to us? We know that they are companions, confidents, listeners, comforters, those we console, those we help who help us, those we have deep feelings for and care for in the best manner that we know how...
But in reallity we are all shockingly alone...
No matter how many close friends we have, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, children, cousins, lovers, spouses, or aquaintances,,, we are utterly alone.
No one will ever truly know who we are within ourselves but ourselves.
No one will ever be there for us in every aspect we need them, at some point we reallize the only person we truly have to count on is in fact,,, ourselves.
Children are the most innocent and pure of loves I believe.. it's a love that is truly unconditional and untainted, it's without judgement. But they never know us, and we never know them. I love my children, but the more I think I know them the more they change and grow and I reallize I don't know them at all. I feel them... I feel their spirits and their love. But they are constantly changing.
I am constantly changing...
Who knows me?
No one...
You may think you know me.. but then I do or say something that totally takes you by surprise..
and I feel bad because I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm just being myself.
How could you judge me.. you don't even know yourself.. so how can you know me.. how can you judge me?
Friends.. we love our friends but friends come and go.. we grow up.. we get responsibilities, we develop relationships, we grow families, our friends do the same, and they are not apart of each other. It's an inevitable fact of life that is hard for us to face because to us they are our family. But it is a rare case that we carry our child/teen friends over into adult hood.
Our family.. the same thing.. we grow up,, move out.. make new aquaintances, get jobs, and become distant,,, we are lucky to speak once a week in passing.. when we used to play in the dirt with cars everyday after school...
Our kids grow up, get there own friends and family's to become attached to and then watch fade away, and then we are left with what..
ourself..
yet again.. alone..
Our Love..
If we are lucky enough to find one that is true.. and who tries to understand and comprehend who we are.. still they never know who we are.. Romantic Love is the most complicated.. They cheat, they lie, they leave you at home alone, they ditch shared responsibilities, they only complicate your life in most cases instead of being a partner in life as they should be.. Romantic Love is the one in which you will most always get hurt, whereas you just grow apart from your friendships and famlies, but in any case you still are alone.. you live your life together.. happy, content, and joyful.. you share many things.. but do you truly know each other? It ends at some point somehow.. and if it doesn't you still find yourself sitting in the bathroom crying because you feel alone when your love is in the other room listening to you sob over some misunderstanding which stemmed from you being yourselfm them being themselves, and the two being totally separate and alone..
alone...
Rain
04.25.04 (9:06 pm) [edit]Rain on the tin roof,, I hear the thundering melody... oh how I love that steady drum of cool enchantment. I feel a calm come over me as if something inside me is being washed away... all negativity being cleansed and my mind being made pure once more... I hope tonight I dream about rain... I hope that I dream about being barefoot just as I was moments ago running through the thick tall green grass wet from the beautiful downpour... It's steady almost as a magical veil being spread throughout my yard, my conjurer is casting a spell for me tonight...
One Breath
04.25.04 (12:36 pm) [edit]Only one breath lies between us and eternity.
The elderly gentleman who sat on the left side of church every sunday morning died in that same seat this morning. The many times he stated that when he died he hoped he died in church... came to a reallity for him this morning. One breath... our last breath... our next breath could be our last without knowledge. And what will matter? Does it matter what we've done, where we've been, or what we have accomplished?
This man,,, was a loving compassionate caring man, who had a ginuine empathy for others to the point it made him weary.
Two weeks ago he carried my drinks from the store across the street with love in his heart. He fell and broke his foot outside but pretended he was ok so that he could stay and help his church with their fund raiser. Then later went home to suffer and finally to the hospital. Selfishness... not an ounce existed in his personality I think.. some say we all are.. but I don't believe this.. I believe that I am.. but I believe there are some who do everything out of selflessness. It's how they enjoy life.. it's what makes them happy...
What will matter in that last breath?
Will it matter that you carried those drinks for someone who felt like no one wanted to help them? Will it matter that you suffered to help your church raise money for something that has nothing to do with you? Will it matter that you visited your daughter with whom you had cross words to let her know you love her? What about others, will it matter that you made all those calls last night inviting people to church this morning? Will it matter that you were a good parent to all your children, and helped them even when it was hard for you? Will it matter that you put that last bit of money in the jar for yet another fund raiser for the church before you sat down for the last time? Will it matter??? All the things this man did for others.. and in his last breath he speaks out.. "I can't do nothing right"... so what did it matter? What was it for? When we did so little to let him know that he made a difference to us... he died not knowing what it was for. And this makes me sad... people never reallize how beautiful they are, and it's our fault for not appreciating them and letting them know the love in their heart has touched our lives. We are indeed selfish creatures to let such beauty touch our lives and not acknowledge it, not give it the honor it deserves...
What matters..
The man at my door, almost in tears from regrets of a past he cannot change. He wishes he was a better person.. but he is.. and I let him walk away and say nothing.. why... I am selfish... the friend who needs my help getting her things settled, and I lay here caught up in my own turmoils.. she feels alone and I let her.. why.. because I am selfish.. my love, tries to come to me and comfort me, and I turn him away... he is caring, compassionate, and it hurts him to know that I am hurt,, and I don't even speak.. why.. because I am selfish... the meek gentleman reaches out to me to let me know God loves me and so does he and I brush him off with nods and generalized comments of understanding instead of appreciating the love in his heart,,, why... because I am selfish...
And I wonder to myself today.. What will matter...
One breath..
Between us and eternity..
Between me and eternity..
What will matter in my life...
It Sucks
04.23.04 (10:31 pm) [edit]I'm sitting here missing you so much...
Can you tell me what it is about you that makes me want to be with you so? I see you all the time but it never feels like enough... ever.
It seems I want to consume myself with you at all times. I just saw you three hours ago and it seems it's been forever. And here I sit just a few streets from you and I feel an ocean away, it sucks. I wonder if you know that I'm sitting here right now at this moment wishing I was with you, imagining you lying over, I see you playing GTA, or on the pc.. I see you almost as if I'm there,,, I can smell you, the scents of your room, the scent of your skin, the scent of just you being near me.
I miss you so much.
Its such a wonderful feeling to love you
But it really sucks to miss you.
Nadda
04.15.04 (12:32 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Lazy
Well things seem to be coming together here finally... I got some things fixed the way I wanted them, got the living room set up and me and Kristie picked up the yard yesterday from all of the auction mess... It took a whole dump truck and there are still some things that will have to be taken off that we can't get ourselves. But it's much better. I guess from all the things going on the last month, it must be wearing me down cause I feel like doing doo doo today. I could just curl up and sleep for an eternity I think. It's such a pretty day out there is plenty that I probably could do but I refuse to shake off this slobby laze...
It's almost halfway through the month and it seems the majority of April has been kinda blah for me... I just have been really funky... my moods for some reason seem to be down. Sometimes I just want to be left alone it seems.
Kristie is still getting her stuff moved in. It's really crazy for her also, we don't really have anyone to help so she's had to do the most of it herself. Which sucks since we know so many ppl.. but that's the way life is around here, when you really need someone they are never there, but when they need you they find you very easily.
I think I will take a breather this weekend and take in some yard sales or something. Take off with the kids and just dissappear all day doing nothing. We used to do that all the time but it seems like it's been forever.
Not much to really write about,,, but I'm sure you'll hear about it when I do...
Forgiveness
04.13.04 (8:02 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Blah..
Is it ok to not hate someone who has purposely done something terrible to you? What if someone set out with the intent to harm you, to hurt you, to make you sad, to rip your heart out and they more than succeed at their plot... do you have to hold negative feelings for that person...
What if I decide not to care...
Maybe I have no feelings one way or the other..
Ok,, ha ha... you got me... you did what you wanted to do now go on to your next victim... thanks for the lesson.. see ya.. nice meeting you..
Would that be so bad?
It's very easy to want to see someone who has intently harmed me die a terrible agonizing slow tortured, perhaps drawn out over an extensive period of torment,,, death...
But it's just too,,, hmmm... what's the word.. waste...
I guess it's just a waste of energy.
And I do not want to satisfy anyone any further who would care so little for me, as to focus any of my energy on negative feelings toward them.
So today is your lucky day.. even though I'm in a Blahhed mood and could easily hurt someone at this moment... I have decided to wipe my slate clean once more as I have before and forgive anyone who is on my unforgiven list...
So go in peace, knowing that the person that you purposely decieved, played mind games with, hurt, cheated on, manipulated, scorned, ridiculed, made fun of, told lies about to all your family and friends, made out to be a bad person, accused of the ungodliest things, persecuted, used, put down, brought down, held down, made to feel worthless and unworthy, goes on with her life with love in her heart and a smile on her face... na na na boo boo,,, I forgive you... you don't win after all... hehehe...
And thanks for the inspiration however... it's given me alot to write about and I'm sure it will continue to do so...
May you live in safety, be happy, be healthy, and have love in your heart... :wink:
Hi Justin :)
about me this time
04.08.04 (11:29 am) [edit]Isn't it funny how that we think we know who we are, then suddenly one day we look in the mirror and wonder who it is we see in the reflection. Who is that stranger that's looking back at me?
I did that...
I used to do it all the time...
I would look into the mirror and try to figure out who it was on the other side.
Was that me.. or was I me?
I saw myself but I didn't recognize who I was.
And I wasn't at all happy with the reflected image given back to me either.
I was many things to many people.
I was one person to my Mother. An entirely different person to my friends, and a completely other person to my lover. Who was I to me... I wasn't sure...
And one day while I looked at myself.. feeling the stress from trying to be all the different people that everyone else needed me to be... I had a revelation... I reallized that I had no idea who I was... and I also wondered... if I don't know who I am.. then how can these people know who I am? How can they love me, if I am only being what they need me to be...
From that moment on I decided to begin discovering who I was... what I wanted.. and the truth about my thoughts and beliefs...
In actuallity I guess I knew who I was... but the pressure of everyone else needing different aspects of me pulled me so that I focused more on their needs than the needs of my own... so each person needed something different from me.. and I gave them that... but the mistake in that was that they couldnt accept who I was entirely because I hid what I felt they weren't looking for, thus in a sense, lying about the person I was... because how can someone accept you if they don't know what they are accepting?
I knew who I was to everyone else.. but I never really knew who I was to myself.. and this was my biggest mistake... I needed myself as much as everyone else needed the me they needed... even more so... Yes I am a trusting friend, and I am a devoted daughter,,, I am a loyal sister,, and a loving mother, I am an accepting lover, but I am all of this and more... to me I am part of you.. and part of them... but still separate for some reason. I have my own function and my own existence to discover. I have interests that my family and friends don't understand but I don't hide them because of it. I have beliefs and thoughts that they definately don't approve of, but I explore and understand them regardless of their acceptance. I have acknowledgements I wish to voice and have heard regardless of critizisms towards me, and I am striving to be brave enough not to hide certain sides of myself that I feel may not be acceptable to others.
I am still learning so much about myself.. I learn something new and understand something different all of the time... and some things I believe to be so, I sometimes change and believe something else if it is revealed to me and I understand it better than the latter belief. I definately change my feelings, and I definately change my mind.
I have many fears... some very much physical and others emotional or spiritual...
I fear loss... I fear loneliness... I fear not knowing who I am... I fear being percieved as something I'm not.... I fear vunerablitiy... I fear authority... I fear being made to feel stupid... I fear unacceptance... I fear being judemental... I fear being trapped... I fear hurting someone's feelings... I fear not living up to my responsibilities... I fear coming up short... I fear failure... I fear canned biscuits... I fear popping balloons... I fear alligators... :roll:
I have many loves... also on many levels...
I love acceptance... I love truth... I love honesty.. I love trust... I love finding comfort in someone... I love content... I love justice... I love matters of the heart... I love movies... I love rain... I love nature... I love my kids, my family, and my friends... I love a long drive on a beautiful day... I love inside beauty... I love happiness in people's eyes.. I love living... I love loving... I love poetry and music that touches something I feel... I love creativity... I love inspiration... I love freedom... I love imagination... I love a free spirit... I love flowers... I love fall... I love artistic expression... I love connecting... I love you... for in some way you connect with me with all of this..
Who am I? I am a helper, a friend, a mother, a daughter, a love to those who accept me, and yes I am a part of you, just as you are a part of me. I know things not because I am told they are so but because I feel they are so... I am a single soul separated from something greater on a journey of discovery, with no particular destination but eternity, who will one day be rejoined to that from which it came... and I love the person that I now see in my reflection in the mirror...
March 31,2004
04.08.04 (9:42 am) [edit]Old man crossing street, looks to be homeless
honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust,
a little less time for the rest of the world,
and more for the two of us.
Kisses each morning,
I love you's at night,
Big Black Man??? Does it matter that he's black?
Why is it that if it's a white man people don't distiguish by "Big White Man", but a black man is "Big Black Man"??? I've done it too... it's not right.
We are all the same color on the inside.
When we get to the end of this journey we will all be the same I think. Do you think God looks at us differently?
I see sweet old man not Big Black Man
Prayer Garden
I want to stop but we can't
Hay for sale
Scents of Hay and fresh cut grass, reminds me of summer.
Sweet old man and sweet old lady
Both beautiful. A home full of memories. A lifetime of happiness, children, and growing old together.
My heart smiles.
I want to hug her and touch her cripled finger. :? :?:
We're lost
Deeper and Deeper out more wrong turns
Nice man looks like Billy Bob Thorton
Friendly
We follow helpful stranger to safety, who aid out of obligation not compassion
We did a circle
I write about you and your beauty
My dreams and my fears
My faith and my insecurities
Where are you going, why are you in such a hurry?
So busy, you are missing all of this beauty.
We were here yesterday.
Choose life...
Cute Poochie...
Timid lady, shy withdrawn, insecure, but beautiful
Overbearing lady, dominant, aggressive, controlling, being helpful but wants recognition for her kindness.
Alligators
We're in Cookeville
Oops Art Outlet
Wow, do they sell art supplies
Bill doesn't know but they sell paintings
The Mission
Two people sitting outside
I wonder what it would be like to sit with them for a moment
Movie Theatre
Secret Window
Dawn of the Dead
Hidalgo
Remembering sitting in the theater with you watching it.
I wondered what you were thinking.
Sometimes I wonder where you are...
It's as if your not with me... what is it your mind is focusing on so? Were you lost in the movie? Were you lost in thoughts of something else? It's almost as though I see your wheels turning, I wish so much to see it.
You looked at me and I almost lost my breath.
I'm not sure why you seem to strike me as so new.
Each time I look at you is as if the first time, yet I feel as though I've always known you.
I hope I always feel this way.
Butterfly Effect.
I think about that movie often.
Not sure why but I loved the story line.
I notice my writing is slacking, more messy, bearly readable, I'm getting tired I guess.
Brandon, how is he doing? I wonder how his TCAP's are going. I'm going to take them out tonight for supper.
I will cook tomorrow.
Noah, does he miss me?
Will he be ready to go home when I get there?
Does Mom wonder where I am?
I didn't call her and tell her where I was today.
Elishah.
I know he is well. He is the least I worry about of my kids. He is much like me, I guess this is why I don't worry so.
He adjusts well to situations.
But I guess I really should worry because he does freak out like I do also, but I know he will be ok.
We're going to Lebanon.
I'm thinking about Stosh.
I havent talked to him in about a year it seems. How is he? How is Cassie?
I am thinking about Stan... I remember before he died... he was so beautiful the last time I saw him. Cassie asked him if he remembered me. He was weakening so and at times they thought his mind had gone.
He looked at me and smiled and said softly, "Yes,,, that's Angie"
He always called me his daughter.
I couldnt bring myself to go inside to view him in his casket.
People there whom I had never met, seemed to know me. They greeted me as if I were a familiar family member.
I miss Cassie and Stosh.
I need to call them.
What if you left me???
I would probably curl up and lay with you, I could not let you go.
My heart would break.
Peking...
Wooo Hoooo...
(ommited because it was posted earlier)
We're in Carthage...
Its funny how that I feel I'm home, even before I get home, just by being near...
Everytime I pass that field I think about me and my cousin Gail riding horses there as children.
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
Lot's of songs on the radio today that I like...
Sakia Gunn, Ru Ru, and Misc.
04.07.04 (6:56 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Mellow
Well it seems I've been kinda lazy on my posts.. it's not that I don't have anything to say its just that I don't guess I have anything of interest to say.
I do have a couple of things I would like to talk about today however...
One being Sakia Gunn...
It's early Sunday morning, May, 2003 a young loving 15 year old Sakia, with dreams of being a professional basketball player, waits with friends at a bus stop in Newark, after spending the night in the Village. Two men approach the girls, one of the men being a 29 year old Richard McCullough, who made sexual advances towards them. When the girls made it apparant to the men that they were lesbians it resulted in an altercation in which Sakia was stabbed to death. Richard McCullough turned himself in and after being questioned and statements from witnesses were assessed it was determined that Sakia's death was a hate crime and was motivated by sexual orientation bias.
It's sad to me... that anyone could have that much resentment or indifference for someone.. someone full of life and a caring nature as friends and family described her.. that they could do such a thing just because they resented her sexual orientation.
For one.. why was he approaching 15-17 year old girls? He was 29.. not that age is a factor but these were kids , what was he some sort of pedifile... because even though I remember being 15 and such,, being above the age of 29 now.. I see that a 15 year old is still just a child... and for that matter why would you approach someone out on the street whom you have never met before and proposition them anyway? Two... why should he care what her sexual orientation was? So what if she were a lesbian... it's her decision and her life... she should do what makes her happy, why was he intimidated or angered by this? Three... what justice is there to satisfy the removal of her life... is there actually anything that could balance that loss??? Other than yelling discriminatory slurs toward McCullough, harrassing him, hitting him, beating him, and stabbing him to death in the manner that he did Sakia.. is there any justice? Of course there is.. just not as we see it... although my own empathy for Sakia would have me see this happen to McCullough, I know that it is not my place to judge nor punish him for the crime.. and I also know that he will pay for it... but I don't think it will be in prison or through our court systems.. I believe that somewhere down the road.. he will have to answer for her death to a much higher authority than that of this realm.. and I fully believe that what ever energy we send out comes back to us three times.. so for him.. he will pay...
On another subject...
I got a dog.. a cute puppy we call Ru Ru.. his name was actually Rufus but they had shortened it to Ru Ru because he just didn't seem Rufusly and I agree... Jonathan has been so great helping us all settle in together, he gave him a bath, groomed him, brushed him, and bought him a leash... he's been a great help... it's kinda like since he moved here we have a new member of our family now... and now we have two him and Ru Ru.. it's a great feeling... I really miss Fluffy and he will always have a special place in my heart, and I hope that I get to see him again, but Ru Ru is a really special dog, and we have a definate connection. It was love at first sight. I'm not sure where Fluffy is.. but I hope he knows that I still love him.
Justin, I haven't gotten to talk to you much this week... I hope all is well with you... when I finish posting this I will check in with your blog to see what I've missed. Things are winding up here, the auction is Saturday and then I can finally breathe. I think it will take a big load off of my mind. Maybe my funk of late has had to do with this unsettled atmosphere around here, and when it's all said and done I hope to get back in touch with my more mellow self.
Well I gotta get outta here,,, maybe I will have something more interesting to write tomorrow...
A couple of songs I want to leave you with:
Buddy Jewell
Sweet Southern Comfort
Misty sunrise in my home town
Rows of cotton about knee high
Mrs. Baker down the dirt road still got clothes out on the line
Erwin Nichols there with Judsley playin checkers at the gin
When I dream about the Southland this is where it all begins
Chorus
From Carolina down to Georgia
Smell the jasmine and magnolia
Sleepy sweet home Alabama Roll Tide Roll
Muddy water Mississippi blessed Graceland whispers to me
Carry on carry on sweet southern comfort carry on
Catchin catfish on the river
Chasin fireflys by the creek
Kissin Garry Williams sister on the porch homecoming week
With rustey cars and wheeping willows
Keepin watch out in the yard
Just a snapshot of downhome Dixie could be anywhere you are
Chorus
In Carolina or in Georgia
Open arms are waitin for you
Louisiana, Yellow Rose of San Antone
Arkansas, Mississippi old man river whispers to me
Carry on carry on sweet southern comfort carry on
As I sit here I'm surrounded by these priceless memories
I don't have to think about it theres no place I'd rather be
Chorus
Than Carolina or in Georgia
Smell the jasmine and magnolia
Sleepy sweet home Alabama Roll Tide Roll
Muddy water Mississippi blessed Graceland whispers to me
Carry on carry on sweet southern comfort
Carry on carry on sweet southern comfort carry on
Josh Groban
When You Say You Love Me
Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.
When you say you love me,
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me,
For a moment, there's no one else alive.
You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
For a moment there's no one else alive.
[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?
Nizzle
04.05.04 (8:23 am) [edit]Current Mood: Contentment and Friendship
My Nizzle
Friends are those we care about,
Who touch our very soul.
They can take the shattered pieces
And somehow make us whole.
We may not know just how this is,
Or even why they care...
But knowing they are part of you
Somehow makes them rare.
You are a new found confidence,
My faith in you will always shine.
It seems I've found a special friend,
Whom I'm proud to say is mine.
If you should start to falter,
Or need a reminder of who you are.
Just look to your nizzle from across the miles
From you I'll never be far.
(borrowed from a site about friendship)
Jesse
04.05.04 (5:18 am) [edit]Current Mood: Content
Old paper smells of musty attic dust
Smells of years stored in dark places hidden from the breath of the living and the light of the mornings rays. Dirty fingerprints.
One hundred year old dirt upon my fingertips.
Feels silky smells forgotten.
Open box to show your secrets, share with me your words of revelation.
Dry paper, faded ink, words written, buried and dismissed just as the person who wrote them.
Beautiful handwriting.
Then I see something with your name upon it...
Jesse,,,
Where are you now, Jesse?
What are your thoughts on the happenings inside your fathers house? Why will you not stand up and fight for your familys sentiments? How can you turn your head so easily to a lifetime of memories? Do you wish it forgotten? If so, then why not let it be forgotten? Why must you haunt me so? If you wish it forgotten then leave me be and I will forget you, I promise.
The year is 1986. A small null in a large field, gated with iron and stone. A six foot hiding place for you to be forgotten. Just as you wish it. I can feel the last bitter winds of winter against my face, and the first warm sun rays of spring promising it will soon be over. The cool crispness in the air shocks my lungs each time I embrace it. I see black.... a traditional funeral for a traditional lady. I pass by them unaware, for they are there before me... many years before me. The sun is blinding me,,, but I see her,,, and I see you... I see all of them.
Do you think I care? Why do you think this matters to me, I do not understand.. what do you want from me?