From Today
03.31.04 (3:43 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Nervous, Ill, Moody
I felt so much better yesterday and now today I am down again.. Man... what's going on with me??? anyway this is my post for the day
Hi Justin!!!
I kept a log of my thoughts during the day today... your always asking me what I'm thinking, and I dont know why I did it but I kept a notebook with me all day and wrote what I was thinking about... Here is one of my thoughts...
Peking....
Wooo Hoooo!!!!
Now is the time to try something new...
Now is the tiem to try something new...
Wow I got the same fortune cookie message today that you got last night. And right after telling Bill about us going last night and what yours said.
That's kinda freaky..
I wonder how many times in the past before we knew each other that similar things happened to us that we were unaware of, but now we are. How many times did our paths cross and we never knew it?
Destiny trying to bring us together and Fate giving us clues about one another...
Mother F****er
03.29.04 (2:51 pm) [edit]What the Hell do you people put your dumb ass shit on the fucking internet for people to download if your gonna take it off... fucking shit!!!!
I been all day searching for glitter for an animation I'm working on and every mother fucking site I get into the cock sucker is "Page Unavailable" or "Cannot Find Fucking Server!!"
What the Hell!!!????
and then there's the really shit for brains sites that you click on.. get into then choose the gif you need and the mother fucker has been taken off.. I can understand one or two but for petes sake.. I keep getting the freaking ones with nothing!!!!
This Weekend
03.29.04 (6:07 am) [edit]Current Mood: Dark
I did post a blog this weekend but I'm still feeling kinda funky so most of what I was feeling was more appropriate for the silent screams blog, so thats where I hung out...
But to wrap it up for you...
Friday I got to see my baby.. it was late when I got there but just seeing him made it a good day
Saturday I came home, fooled with a bunch of people loading up furniture and Mrs. Smothermans collection of hat/hat boxes and hand picked memento's.... which was ok... it was her nephew and his family and they were very nice. Kristie came over, we hung out.. went to walmart... I took her to work at the bar, hung out there, got bored, went to walmart, went home for a few, went to Tracy's, Tracy was in bed, hung out there for few, went back home for a minute and got online, got bored, went back to the bar to pick Kristie up... hung out there after hours for a few, Kristie and I went home, got our stuff together and went to the graveyard, lay there for a while, fell asleep, woke up, got our stuff together and went home, got online, got bored, went to bed, next morning saw Jean off back to California, me and Kristie mowed the yard, checked on Jonathan to see how his move was coming, picked up kids, came home, got online, got bored, went to bed....
Pretty average weekend,, didn't do much of nothing.. but then I didn't really feel like it either.. I can't seem to shake this mood.. I actually put a sign on my front door "Go Away You Wretched Mortals" so that people would leave me alone on Sunday morning.. didnt work..
You should have seen Jonathan when I went over there to see how it was going Sunday..
He was sooooo cute...
He had been working so hard and he was all sweaty.. you girls know what a sweaty guy will do for ya...
Well it did it for me..
I really hated to leave him but I know that he had alot to do.. and I've tried to stay out of his way so that he can get it done.. but I missed him so I didn't think a few minutes would hurt...
I think I'll get to see him tomorrow so that will be great..
I really don't feel like I've gotten to spend any time with him lately.. I mean we do.. but we're usually just hanging out.. I was thinking the other day about the night that we sat in front of the library in the grass... his voice echoing in my ears I can almost hear him.. I don't want to loose that... moments like that are what are the most important to me. He's so great.. it's like I'm in this total funk.. and then I see him... just that first glance at him upon meeting.. and everything is better... my heart smiles..
The Grass Is Always Greener
03.26.04 (10:44 am) [edit]After talking to Justin.. he said something about the grass being greener on the other side... and it snapped me back to feelings I was having when I wrote something a while back.. I know that this is over a year old, but not sure exactly when I wrote it.. it was actually about twice as long but I'm ommitting quite a bit that I dont really see necessary to get the point across and a little too personal I guess to put up.. but here it is...
I know that sometimes our lives seem like they could be better,,, you know, the grass is always greener cliche'... but really some people live so unhappy that the grass really is greener on the other side, only they can't see it,,, they have one of those privacy fences blocking their view, and even if sometimes they can peep through a knot hole, and peer into that land of frolicking, sitting on porches side by side with you head rested gently on the shoulder of that someone who loves you, lovemaking in the rain, and basking in rainbows,,,, the fence is so high they can't get over it. They are trapped.
So they continue to live in their barren waste land thinking they are doomed.
Others have it really good over their in lovetopia and are constantly sneeking peeks over to the barren wasteland thinking that their life would be better on that side, not knowing what heaven they are in... because they are too selfish to share the lovetopia with someone, they would rather live in the hell hole and be unhappy than acknowlede that others live in lovetopia too, and deserve the same happiness they are recieving... they want to eat the fruit, have the lovemaking, and recieve the love but they don't want to have to do unto others, so they are unhappy in what would be a wonderful life if they were not so selfish.
Go figure...
So I don't know why I am writing this bull crap...
I am trying to figure out what side of the fence I live on I guess... and I wonder if people who have it good actually reallize how good they have it.. because they are always trying to get something better.. they can never be satisfied or happy.. why is that...
Sometimes I see people out and about and I wonder if they are happy. Do they go home and rush to the bedroom because they are having such a hard time suppressing their desire in public, and proceed to rip each others clothes off to begin their day of tender kisses, sensual touches, loving embraces, and stare into each others eyes dreaming of forever. Do they rush in the door trying to avoid brushing against the other, and rush off to separate rooms to begin their day of loneliness, fear of having speak to the other, and cold glances that could kill. Living everyday trapped. Or do they just pretend that everything is ok even though they are not happy marching mechanically to that empty drum that society, their peers, family and friends seem to think is the right beat?
I'm not sure why I wonder these things... but I do quite often...
The guy in front of me at the checkout on a Saturday night buying laundry detergent, wearing his wedding band. He tries to cover it up with his right hand and turns to look at me. I make eye contact. He smiles and I look down and away. Then the conversation breaker..."so this is what you have to do on a Saturday night?" Trying to be polite but not encouraging I reply "Yeah, I guess. I see your doing laundry"... and then it comes... "Shoot,,, this laundry and dishes and sitting at home on Saturday night is killing me,,, I need to get out,,, what is there to do in this town..." It then becomes clear to me that this guy is white trash and I am no longer in the mood to be polite... "well why don't you and your wife go to a movie or dinner like my husband and I do?" (knowing the entire time, my husband will be avoiding me the entire night) "If I go anywhere with her I won't have any fun!" he remarks laughingly,,
"Well you shouldn't have gotten married." I retort back to him and he has nothing to say back to me. He turns his back and I move my buggy to the next lane even though he only has laundry detergent and the lady that is now in front of me has about 200 it seems. I know that I'm probably over reacting and that I'm sensitive also and a little scornful toward married men in General being that I'm married to one who doesnt appreciate me, just as this one seems to not appreciate his wife. I stand there wondering if that's the way my husband approaches women when I have his co-workers tell me how he flirts with girls where they pick up their carpet. Maybe I totally misread this guy but I don't think so.. for one, he was looking me up and down, and starring. Knowing he was going home to his wife... Geeezzzz what a looser. She's sure a lucky girl, and he can really say he is a special guy, huh?
Then I watch this girl, maybe about 24 or 25 skip past the service desk making her way to the exit doors peering out them as if she's lost someone... it's very busy and their are alot of people in lines so it's crowded. But I see this young guy come up near me, darting his head above the crowd, and I know immediately he must be who she has lost... He continues looking trying to see her and she turns to scan the people for him. When their eyes met it was like a lighthouse beam reaching a lost ship. Their eyes lit up like sunshine and the biggest smiles came across their faces and they made their way to each other. She didn't wait for him nor he her, they immediately started to the other. Then continued onto their shopping arm in arm... It was like no one else existed in that store to them... he wasn't scanning the crowd seeing if their was someone he could check out,,, and she was beaming with joy of being with someone who held her in the center of attention... I smiled, thinking, if they were that happy to see each other after being lost for only a few moments in WalMart, imagine how they greet each other when they haven't seen each other all day.... and I was sad... because I long for it.
It's weird how that we never get what we want...
In My Hands
03.26.04 (7:21 am) [edit]Sand slowly seeping
I watch it slip through my fingers
Like water that runs over rocks not easily captured
Particle by Particle I watch the grains fall to the ground
Become part of the Earth,
No More in my hand, no longer mine.
Feeling course as I roll a single grain between my
Thumb and forefinger
But Smooth and silky as many at a time flow
Easily between my fist.
Scattering to the wind as if purposely
Being stolen from me
I try to contain it in my hands
But the tighter my fist clenches
The quicker it escapes my grasp.
The wind stealing even more
And I fight without progress
Finally I give into its escape in frustration
I open my hands and give the sand its freedom
The wind and gravity hungrily
Devouring up what was so preciously mine
I look to my palms...
I see sandy grains clinging to my sweaty hands
As if to deny its removal.
I with teared eyes rub my hands togther
Wiping away the excess of what was left.
And I watch it float away,
Placing my hands in my pockets,
Feeling Lonely I walk away..
In My House
03.25.04 (6:31 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Not as Placid I'm Afraid
Don't get me wrong.. I'm not mad or anything..
Things are just buggin me..
The time is clicking down now.. closer to time for this Fricking auction. I will be so glad when it's over.
If Jean ever reads this she's gonna be mad at me, but I don't care. So,,, Jean these are my thoughts and my feelings and if you don't agree tough shit, stay outta my blog if you don't like it.
But I don't see how someone could sell their family's memories to the wind like this...
For Christ's sake... the cradle her mother was rocked in when she was a baby, and her aunts and uncles also, is so easily given up for a dollar.
Not only this.. but she told my Mom yesterday that since she (my mom) was more of a daughter to Laura than she was then she was giving her Laura. That she relinquished all rights as a daughter.
I told Mom, that was great, was she going to let her have Laura's momento's as well before she tossed them away to strangers? Of course not...
I really don't mean to avoid Jean... but this entire thing is really getting to me... Laura,,, the stuff here.. the memories of Laura's childhood.. ghostly childlike laughter haunting me through the doorways... It's like preparing for a funeral.. If I had the money I would buy at least everything that I knew was of significant value to Laura, and the pictures, personal items.. such as letters and photos.. I would treasure them..
Oh God,, please give me strength to make it through this burial...
I can invision the vultures scavaging over the remains of her life.. and I can just cry..
Laura,,, if you can hear or see any of the happenings here in your house,, in my house now.. please.. be with me...
And now I am responsible for the drinks for the auction clientel which is expected to be between 250 to 300... the church is doing the refreshments.. maybe I can make enough to buy a few things before the auction ends.. maybe I can have Jean leave out a few things of special importance until the end.
Another thing that gripes me... Laura gave my Mother a bedroom suite here.. and My Mom really was touched.. because Laura explained that it was the only furniture that her sister Elenor ever purchased.. so it was important to her.. and now Jean won't let her have it... she's going to auction it off.. oh yes.. my Mom can have it allright.. for $3,500.00 I think.. and right now my Mom can't really afford it... It's all messed up... a big fricking mess... but money in Jean's pocket to go back to California and blow.. I bet it will only be a matter of time until she decides to sell the house also.. and if Laura knows that she would die all over again... everything she specifically requested before her death has been denied her thus far.. except the keeping of the house. She didn't want the house to be sold.. she wanted it to be a family heirloom persae.. to stay in the family and handed down... but to Jean none of this means anything... she only see's green right now..
I really don't understand why she let me stay here like she did for nothing.. unless she knew Laura would have wanted it.. or because she knew she was going to need me now.
Laura... why did you have to go...
I Need Your Help
03.25.04 (1:26 pm) [edit]Tell me what this means to you...
There must be something
In the way I feel
That she doesnt want me to feel
The stare she bares
Cuts me
I don't care
You see,
So what if I bleed.
I could never change
Just what I feel.
My face will never show
What is not real.
A mountain does not care.
What the hell are you doing
Your no poet
I dont know.
Find Beauty In Everything Today
03.25.04 (5:49 am) [edit]Current Mood: Placid
For those of you who do not know what placid means:
placid
adj 1: free from disturbance; "a ribbon of sand between the angry sea and the placid bay"; "the quiet waters of a lagoon"; "a lake of tranquil blue water reflecting a tranquil blue sky"; "a smooth channel crossing"; "scarcely a ripple on the still water"; "unruffled water" [syn: quiet, still, tranquil, unruffled] 2: not easily irritated; "an equable temper"; "not everyone shared his placid temperament"; "remained placid despite the repeated delays" [syn: equable, even-tempered, good-tempered] 3: without untoward incident or disruption; "a placid existence"; "quiet times" [syn: quiet] 4: taking life easy; "an easygoing man rarely stirred to anger"; "an air of placid sufficiency" [syn: easygoing]
my advice to you today:
Find Beauty in Everything
And I hope you know I dont mean to that extreme.. I'm being a little sarcastic as well...
Going to be an interesting day with my mood...
J,, good luck Dawg.. still crossing my fingers for ya!
TODAYS QUOTE:
It's not so much what happens to us that matters,,,
but that which happens in us...
(church sign on main street)
Thank You For,,,
03.24.04 (8:40 pm) [edit]Boo,
Thank you for understanding me, and accepting my understanding.
Thank you for accepting me, and trusting my acceptance of you.
Thank you for believing in me, and giving me something to believe in.
Thank you for accepting my love, and the love I feel from you.
Thank you for seeking comfort in my arms, and for the comfort I find within you.
Thank you for allowing yourself to be free in me, and for giving me freedom.
Thank you for seeking rest in me, and for giving me a place to rest in you.
Thank you for allowing me to shine on you, and for being my light in darkness.
Thank you for seeing my kindness, and for the kindness you show me.
Thank you for seeing me, and for allowing me to see you.
For these and so many other reasons
I love you,
Angie
thinking on friends
03.23.04 (6:34 am) [edit]Man!!! I missed posting yesterday... and I had alot to say. but I can't remember what it was now cause I slept and you know how that is...
I wont get to post more than likely today because I'm going to Jonathan's... *aaawwwwwzzz* and I will have better things to do.. like watch him breath... or watch him talk... or watch him,,, lay there.. or watch him... him... uhh... be alive... just watch him.. cause he's so beautiful.. I'm so lucky to have someone that's such a wonderful person.. "I love you" doesnt seem fair equivelent to what he stirs in me.. and definately not enough to describe how I feel about what he brings to my life.
I've been excited the last few days because it's getting closer to the day that he moves here, to Carthage. And it like waiting for Christmas or something...
I know that it's going to be hard on him, to be separated from his parents... Ohhhh I remember when I first moved out.. it was sooooo hard on me... it was hard on my Mom also... and knowing how she was taking it didn't help my suffering either... I would lie in bed every morning and pray that I would open my eyes and be safely back in my room.. before I opened them I would imagine my bed, the floor and the sea green sculpted carpet, my things around me, the window and how the curtain blew in with the wind, hoping that when I opened my eyes I would see these things.. but it never happened.. still the same place that I wish I hadn't of went to... it's not that I didn't want to be independent or anything.. I just really was too young to be getting married and moving out.. but every morning there for the longest I woke up with this sick homesick feeling, missing my brothers, my parents, my home... I had taken a drastic sudden leap from childhood to adult hood in one single step.. and I was so much still a child. I felt helpless.. and over the next few years... I would have my husband to depend on... who was so not a dependable or responsible person... It was very hard.. but the hardest part was... being apart from my family.. and missing them.. So I know he's going to be really down... I hope I can help him with it...
My best friend had a really bad day yesterday.. She is such a great person... she doesn't deserve to be going through what she is going through.. She's having much inner turmoil and confusion... I don't know what to do to help her.. because there really is nothing that I can do.. the things going on with her are things that she has to sort through herself... It would help if she had some sort of stability. So I guess it's going to be my job to be a constant that she can rely on... and then she has God.. she has become very much involved in church and this is a real test on her spirituality I think.. but I know she is a strong person.. she has always been so strong.. I am weak.. and I envy her strength. She will make it through this..
It seems that alot of people around me yesterday were having some sort of conflicts... I wish I was someone that could just fix my friends problems, believe me I would.
J,,,, you deserve to be happy.. I thought about you alot last night after our conversation.. and I know what pain you are going through so I have much sympathy for you. I wish there was something I could do.. but all I can do is be here for you if you need to talk about it and let you know that I care and I understand. I'm not much of an advisor but I can tell you this.. be prepared for it not to work out the way you would wish it to.. and if it does then that's a blessing in your favor,,, if it doesn't then learn from the lessons and use what you've learned in your future. Also don't dwell on things that you have no control over... it's only going to make you suffer more pain.. instead focus on the things that you do have control over and how they can help you overcome what your going through... One more thing... go with your heart in the things your trying to decide upon.. if you know you will regret a decision.. don't make it... don't cause yourself even more "I should have's" to have to look back and wish you'd done differently.. We get opportunities in life for a reason.. if we take them then at least we know whether or not it was the right path for us or not.. if we don't,,, then we always wonder if we missed our chance... and it becomes something else that we have no control over. But always trust what your heart tells you.. your mind will try rationallize everything out for you.. but our minds are functioning on what we've been taught through out life.. how things should be.. and whats acceptable,, and how everyone else is... our minds are tainted I believe... this is why we work so hard to see beyond everything.. to the truth.. Trust in your heart... it's a pure source of advisement that no one can influence or manipulate.. it is your third eye to allow you to see things that your mind cannot comprehend... however much people can hurt it or cause it pain.. it will always be something you can depend on.. Its Gods way of showing us the truth.. you can depend on that. And I say this to Kristie and you also.. Don't let your mind decide what your heart feels... and don't confuse the two... Your a great person... you will make it.. you both have beautiful heart... and I am lucky to have both of you in my life.... you'll make the right decisions...
Joke of the Day
03.21.04 (3:43 pm) [edit]Hehehe.. this one killt me...
Things to do I
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
I'm not sure why some of the numbers are ommitted.. thats the way I got it...
My Confessions
03.20.04 (5:10 pm) [edit]Well today was a pretty good day... we took the kids hiking.. walked up to the dam... ate sandwhiches by the river, and played in the park.. until it rained.. beautiful rain.. accompanied by thunder and lightning.. the beginning of a hopefully spectacular storm season for us... I can't wait.
But my darn batteries died on my cam right in mid hike so I only gotsa few pics for ya, here are four.
Not very good ones at that.. but still a good day so that's all that matters..
As for my previous post...
Lately I've been feeling a little... unworthy... and this particular instance has stood out in my mind the last few days.. the way I felt soooo... unmeaningful and unworthy...
I wonder if this moment has alot to do with it.. I seem to be more insecure and self judgemental since this.. but I guess I do have some things that may be plaguing my mind..
Guilty concious I guess so I'm gonna try to free that here with a few apologies and a couple of confessions .. and maybe I will feel better...
Mary,,, I'm sorry. Your my cousin and I love you. And I shouldn't have let an outside interference interfere with us... and I'm sorry for accussing you of the email..
Tracy... I'm sorry for accussing you of the email.. you have to understand that everything was being shown to me in a way purposely to confuse me and my judgement was not what it should have been.. but still,, I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions... and I shouldnt have went to that extent with it...
Jim... My brother,,, I'm sorry that I ate your chocolate bunny rabbit when I was 9 and tried to lie about it.. I shouldn't have been so mean...
Jerry... My brother... I'm sorry I hurt you on the front porch when I was 7 when we got into that fight... I was mad and I didnt meant it to go that far...
Mom... I'm sorry I purposely tore my shoe because I didn't like them and lied to you about it... I didn't reallize we were poor and that it was all you could do to get them for me...
To that kid that I made fun of in grade school.. I'm sorry.. I didn't want to make fun of you.. I was tired of people making fun of me and I thought it would make me feel better to make fun of someone else.. I was a bad person...
Regina... I'm sorry I hit you over the head with a baton in 7th grade, over a guy that I didn't even like... I should have just ignored you and walked away...
Jason,,, I'm sorry I didn't bring Noah to see you when you lived closer... I know that you can't help the situation you are in, that its not your fault, and that you love him... I'm sorry about everything else also.. and you know I've already apologized but I just want to clear anything that could be bugging me so here it is again.. I'm sorry...
All of my brothers.. I'm sorry about locking you out of the house when I was a teenager... I'm sorry about not being a better sister to you when we were kids...
Aunt Joyce,,, I'm sorry I stole that rose glass thing from you when I was 5? It made me feel so guilty I never stole anything else... I dont know why you let me take it when you knew.. perhaps to teach me a lesson.. and you did... I'm sorry...
If I think of anything else I will add it...
3 am my heart broke
03.20.04 (8:53 am) [edit]It's 3am in the morning.. I'm sitting indian style in the middle of the bed screaming crys of pain into the pillow clutched tightly in my fists... and he keeps screaming..
"your not worthy!"
"Lot's of Bitches want your man!"
"You don't do ____ right"
"You don't do ____ right"
"Get your makeup out of the sink!"
"You don't deserve me!"
"Your such a stupid bitch!"
"I'm smart, I work, I'm well read, I can have any bitch I want!"
"Your friends a fucking Ho!"
"Your a fucking Ho!"
"The only reason anyone would be with you is to fuck you!"
"Fine ass bitches are always trying to get with me, but I'm a chump cause I'm with you!"
"Your not a good mother!"
"Your not a good wife!"
"Your a sorry excuse for a woman!"
"Look at me! You don't deserve me!"
"Your not the kind of woman I want for a wife!"
"Your not worthy!"
"I can do better than you"
My heart shattered into millions of little pieces...
All the time I thought he thought I was special.. that he needed me, that I was important.. that he loved me...
The next day I sit in a fetal position locked away in my mom's bathroom , still crying tears that began at 3 am..
The cry of death,, of grief,, of heartbreak...
My mom outside the door I can hear her,,
Telling my dad that someone died.. someone had to have died she said for me to cry like that...
and the only thing I can utter between my sobs to answer her pleas to me to open the door.. is
"I'm a bad person"
"I'm a bad mom"
"I'm a bad mother"
"I'm not a good person"
And she's begging me to open the door but I don't
For hours..
Until up in the noon after church is over.. I'm still sobbing.. heartbroke... not understanding why I'm such a bad person..
I'm unworthy of my kids...
I don't deserve my husband,,,
I'm not a good daughter...
I'm not a good friend...
I'm not a good person...
My mom is scared,,, she calls him to find out whats going on.. and he tells her..
Something along the lines of I got what I deserved and I need to get over it and come pick him up.. he didnt have to work but he went anyway and lied to me about it...
I pick him up and I'm still crying uncontrollably..
We get home and he holds me as if nothing was ever said... telling me how much he loves me... kissing me..
and it was at that moment..
I wondered..
If I'm such a bad person...
why is he here?
I'm tired.. I've not slept,, my mind is weak, my heart is broke, my body has grieved,,, and I sleep... cursed with nightmares.. carrying over into my sleep of the cruel screams...
I'm a bad person....
I will tell you why I posted this later.. but now I have to go,,, me and kristie are taking the kids hiking..
Ummmm diddly
03.19.04 (8:19 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Borrreeeeddddd
Well the kids are settled and I've decided to takes some quizillazzzzz... here's my results of the ones I've taken tonight... I can tell it's gonna be a long night.. another one of those writing dayzzz... I will be trashing my pc before morning... begging for help... calling 911,,, holding my eyelids open with toothpicks... cursing at yahoo...
Queen of the Damned Trivia
Wow you know as much about Queen of the Damned as i
do. Right on!
Queen of the Damned Quiz!!!Some Pictures!(kinda hard)
brought to you by Quizilla
What Type of Shadow Are You
You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)
What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Ummm not really sure I agree with this next one.. but I went back over the questions and I answered them to the best of my ability.. sooo whatever...
Choose Your Wings
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,
source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../
images/fallen_angel.jpg
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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Whew... I'm glad this one is outta the way..
When You Die Where Will You Go
Heaven: You are a true angel. You are destined to
move on to a place where there is no evil, just
people as beautiful and pure as you. Graceful
and classy, an angel like you has wonderful
things ahead! (please rate my quiz)
**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
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What Kind of Candy Are You
You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.
Which kind of candy are you?
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HELP MEeeeee!!!!!!
Call 911.... I cant stop quizzinggg
Ok one more for real...
What Dark Person Are You!
Darkness is your passion. You can't live without it
and you're starting to turn dark. You are
interested in things that others fear,
sometimes using it against them. So much fun.
Please rate ^^
What kind of dark person are you?
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Ok Ok I lied ONE more...
What Emotion Dominates You
Why are you taking this quiz you obviously don't
have feelings?! I am justkidding, you just are
either A: A really horny person, or B: you just
a little bit of everything. So To B good for
you and A: have a chat with someone who got
anger..he...he. (Please Vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
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Ahhhh!!! I know you dont expect me to pass up the vampire ones...
What Kind Of Vampire Are You
You are a very cool vampire, you rank as a
Mercenary. You are a deadly vampire and not one
to fuck with, your deal with weapons and great
fighting skills are outstanding. Your wardrobe
would consist of black leather full boby suits
trench coats and so on. You are not asshamed to
be a vampire and you use your gift for your own
advantage, your job paying highly you are never
short of money. You are a deadly killing
machine, and yet irrisistible to humans and
vampires alike. Please rate this quiz!
What Kind Of Vampire Would You Be? (Cool answers, AND FOR GILRS UNLESS YOU ARE A CROSSDRESSER)!
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How Gruesome is Your Vampire
I like you i like you a lot.You are a true vampire
gruesome by nature,you will never regret what
you do to your victims. i welcome you to my
vampire army, Copy/Paste this URL to your
address and you will be a member of my vampire
army
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Master" title="http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Master" target="_blank"http://quiz.ravenblack.net/bl...+Timothy
brought to you by Quizilla
Pinkworld
03.19.04 (4:37 pm) [edit]Hehe.. how many of you thought you were gonna see something dirty with that Subject Line? hehe... you perverts... no this is not pikworld dot com... but there is alot of pink here... I have some pics of the office after painting.. still not done yet but you get the idea.. so here they are...
Just think Jonathan the next time we stay at the cabin now.. it will be like a new place..
I did a good job aye??? Kinda reminds me of the Bitchy Witchy Site.. lol and I didn't in anyway conciously intend it that way...
For those of you having one of those days..
03.19.04 (3:09 pm) [edit]I feel ya...
My Heart
03.19.04 (2:26 pm) [edit]If I lost my heart, how would I live?
Would I not slowly pass into darkness
The sun, the wind on my face, smiling, love,
All slowly being forgotten.
The Thick red liquid that pulsates
Through my veins with every beat
Would become stagnant...
Leaving me hard, cold, and numb
To everything and everyone around me.
If I lost my heart, how would I feel?
The numbness would soon overtake me
The warmth would disipate into a memory,
And the memories would only torment
My lifeless unfeeling corpse which at one time
Knew what it was to feel, to hold, to touch, to love..
If I lost my heart, how would I love...
I'd be nothing... I'd have no love to offer,
And be incapable of recieving love without
A heart to have open and caring...
The fridgid remains of what used to be
Would slowly be forgotten by those whom
Knew me when my heart was with me,,
And I would be alone,,, left to rot.. left to decay..
Slipping into nothingness...
Becoming..
Nothing...
Jonathan,
You truly are my heart.. in the spiritual sense.. please don't ever doubt that all that beats within me in these moments.. are for you.. and because of you.. your my inspiration, my refudge, my comfort, my laughter, my hope, my love, my strength, my counsel, my beautiful song.. and for this and many other reasons I love you...
Angie
Cotton Candy's Club
03.18.04 (4:20 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Still Playful.. I'm on a Roll huh?
Despite my day starting off on the wrong foot it's been a good day...
Noah got up this morning and was talking away.. and when I told him it was time to go he asked were we going to get Tom... my heart sunk..
I told him no, but I really didn't know what to say.. I could tell he had a questioning expression.. you would think he would forget by now.. I figured that he was so young that Tom would eventually fall off into his subconcious and he wouldnt ask anymore..
Then he made the comment that stuck with me all day...
"I lost him.." he said.. and he kept saying that he lost him on the motorcycle.. and I have no idea where he's getting that.. unless he's thinking about the time that Tom rode him on the four wheeler, because he kept referring to it as a motorcycle.. anyway.. I keep just not answering because I really dont know what to say.. but I know that I really need to tell him something.. and not Tom was a piece of shit looser and lying maggot food.. so I need to think about this... because apparantly he's not forgetting like I hoped he would. But aside from that..
I went to the office today to clean.. and boy was it a mess.. I cleaned the bathroom really good and Bill had the stove pulled out in the kitchen because apparantly there has been some sort of electrical problem and they are rewiring in there so I couldnt clean the kitchen.. anyways.. I got bored...
and I got to thinking.. and you know me..
I decided to change a few things..
Bill was gone to a job.. and April and I decided to paint.. so we did... and now the office is a beautiful dark shade of...
Pink....
We were laughing the whole time about how Bill was gonna kill us.. but it was fun.. and it looks nice.. I will take pics tomorrow while I'm finishing up and post them.. I forgot my camera today...
When Bill got back we ran outside on the back deck to hide.. our paint rollers in hand.. giggling like kids.. and Trott was sinking down in the chair cause he didn't want to get blamed for it.. lol.. and then we heard...
"Fucking Pink!!!!!"
And I was like...
Oh shizzit...
and April was like..
Oh my god...
and Trott was like...
LOL...
and I was like...
He's gonna kill me...
and then Bill was like...
You Painted it PINK...
and I was like...
Do you liiiiikkkkee iiiiittt????? (really sweet voice I use when I'm in trouble)..
And Bill was like...
I guesss.....
And I was like..
Cool..
And we went back to painting and I told April that we were gonna put a pink neon sign out front that says "Cotton Candy's Club" and it can be our club house.. lol... and she laughed... hehehe...
And then Bill and Granny kept calling me Precious all day because of something someone said.. (long story and this blog is running outta momento).
And I was like...
Is that my new nickname...
and he and granny were like..
yes...
and I was like,,,
Well I like it better than Pollock.. (which is what Bill calls me sometimes.. another story too long to get into)
and they were like..
LOL..
and I kept painting and I was telling them about My and Jonathan's Yes or No letter.. and it was cute.. and Granny was like..
awwwww...
And then I left and picked the kids up and we went to Mcdonalds,, and I didnt go in cause I had paint all over me..
But I heard a cd today that I would like to have.. its Yeah Yeah Yeahs.. gotta have it...
So now I am here writing this blog.. and I'm gonna get outta here cause I have to check in with my SilentScreams68 blog although I'm not mad or horny so I don't guess I have anything to write over there.. but anyhoo.. I gotta go.. see you later taterzzzz..
To My Friend
03.18.04 (6:25 am) [edit]Well I'm being lazy again this morning,,, I know I have to get up and get going.. stuff to do...
Mornings are real draggy for me.. I'm not a morning person.. but it always makes me feel better to talk to you... gets me going so I guess I'm ready to get this party started..
When I log on and you pop up.. saying "are you there" "hey" or "hey slacker"... I get a smile on my face..
I was remembering you.. the way you smile.. the way you laugh.. the way you ask silly football trivia questions.. your so smart.. when I put my hand print on the window and you put yours on there with it, putting us together... dancing with ya... Kristie is a good dancer and she is fun to dance with also but I feel just as comfortable dancing with you that I do her.. and your down where I can see you,, lol... you like to have fun and it makes me laugh.. the way you touch me in comforting gestures.. little pats.. to let me know that you are there...
The way your interested in what I'm thinking and feeling.. the way you keep up with whats going on in my life.. lets me know that you care.. and let's me know that you are there.. and I'm so very lucky to know you,, and to have you as a friend...
Beautiful Day
03.17.04 (1:50 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Playful
Today has been such a beautiful day..
I hated to leave Jonathan this morning.. but you know how it is.. I can't have nothing..
I had to go to Kevco and pick up some samples for a customer... Green.. yeah green vinyl samples for his floors.. but ya know,,, I would put green on my floors depending on how I was doing the room.. I think I would like maybe black.. yeah black marble look for a room.. and just do everything in black and white.. wouldn't that be cool.. or red,, OhhhYEaaaaahh.. RED... red berber carpet with black bean bags and black leather couch and black walls with red curtains.. with only mirrors for decoration... and some red roses of course.. but hey.. it's not my turn to do the decorating thing.. so I have to help him for right now..
After messing with the sales manager at Kevco.. I'm sure he was all to glad to push me out the door.. lol.. I decided I had some extra time to breathe in some air.. so I stopped at a pond nearby..
There are ducks there.. and people come just to feed the ducks.. there is a walk track to for people to walk on..
I have noticed the ducks under the bridge many times that I pass on my way to Kevco.. but I am usually with others and I never get the chance to stop....
I really enjoyed watching this young lady and her child feed the ducks.. she made a special trip down there just for that purpose I knew.. not many people carry paper plates and hot dog buns in there cars...
Yes I got her permission to take this photo and I left her my address to this site so she could view it later if she wished.. I enjoy seeing people take time out to do little things like this with their children.. and I thought it was beautiful..
The ducks were beautiful.. I wish I could have stayed for a while today and maybe lay under a tree and watch them.. listen to them quacking... hear their feathers russell as they groom them.. I really like ducks... and I guess the fact that they take so naturally to the water soothes me also.. it's almost like watching boats on the river to watch ducks.. except ducks are more beautiful.
Ok I gotta go, Bill needs me to come by and make sure that we did an estimate right.. and I have to pick up Noah.. Later Taterzzzz
End of My Day or Is It?
03.16.04 (5:12 am) [edit]Current Mood: A Ok :wink:
Well yesterday my night ended much better than my day started. After going to Lebanon and trying to straighten things out about the debt David defaulted on, I reallized I was really letting things get the best of me. I had to find some way to calm myself.. and what better way than to take some pictures and breathe some fresh air...
The old ferry... seems that there are many places here in Carthage that I find I really like to go... it is a beautiful small town, more beautiful than most think... you just have to look close enough..
I wanted to go over by the dock and take pictures of the rock bluff and the winding river.. but there were two men fishing off of it...
Oh how I would have loved to been sitting there with my fishing pole waiting to get a bite... Listening to the water run by making its way to no destination.. thats the thing about water in the river.. it doesn't have a destination.. it doesn't have anywhere that it's going inparticular... it's just making it's way. It passes us by on the bank in route to nowhere.. well of course it does go somewhere.. it follows the river, depending on the river to which way it goes...
Eventually ending up right back following some stream or river,,, headed to the place it just came from... One continuous circle neverending...
I wonder if that's what life is like for us.. just as the rain... we fall to earth... serve our purpose.. return to heaven.. only to be sent back to earth once again, yet on a different path than the one before, but still headed to the same place.. nowhere..
I wonder will we ever rest from this continuous circle we keep making.. (if we were as I say, like rain) Is there some point that when we rise to heaven that we stay.. is there some point that the rain stays?
Perhaps there is an end... and perhaps there is not.. maybe when we serve our purpose we go no where.. maybe we don't move from the spot that our body dies.. perhaps that truly is the end.. but it seems that in life everything keeps going.. in some form or another.. things change but still stay the same... We come and go yet life continues without us.. in everything..
I would like to think that we are also a part of everything.. the constant... still existing yet for another purpose to see that life continues... Someday coming to rest in the place from which we came to begin with.. that's the way I would like to think of it...
aaaahhhhhhhh
03.15.04 (2:02 pm) [edit]March 15, 2004 10:30am
Current Mood: Aggravated
Well it just doesn't look like my day today... I had a detail to do this morning that I have to reschedule because My office didn't get in the samples I needed for the client... So I have to make a trip to Nashville to pick up the samples myself... I just found out that I'm going to have to pay a debt that my first husband was responsible for that is over 6 years old.. One of the only things that he assumed in our divorce now is still somehow becoming my responsibility... David you FUCK... so I have to go to court for this... I can't get into TBLOG, since yesterday I have been trying without success... so I have decided if they do get it going I'm going to copy my blogs so that in case of an emergency I can copy them back to my previous blog.. I feel safer with them there... at least I know that I can access them when ever I want... and I don't have to worry about loosing anything... sucks!!! cause I like the tblog... I'm missing Jonathan to no end... I could just cry right now and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to... It's so funny that no matter how many friends we have.. how much our family tries to be there or how others seem to care for us.. we still feel alone and misunderstood... because right now I feel very much alone... it would be so nice to someday have someone that I could trust in and depend upon when I'm in places like this... It seems that I've always had to deal with this stuff alone.. and I have... I'm 31 years old.. I'm tired of never having someone I can turn to... I'm tired of being alone.. I tired of doing this all by myself.. even during my marriages I have been completely on my own during times of crisis or when I needed comfort... For once I could use a shoulder to cry on... for once I could use an ear to hear... Just for once I would like someone to be there for me when I needed.. without me having to ask them to... It's not like the world is coming to an end or anything.. I know.. but it's just that it's going to be a bummer day.. and here I sit writing it on this Fucking Computer... this is my only comfort.. what a meaningless piece of shit to have to confide my hurt to.. This really makes me feel sooo not cared about... that the only thing that is always here for me and listens is a fucking keyboard and screen... I have to shake this feeling.. it seems lately I keep slipping into this more and more everytime things don't seem to go my way or I'm depressed.. This wallowing self pity trip is killing me... I used to accept the fact that I was alone and convinced myself I was better off that way... and I know I am... It seems that when I am with someone it just adds to my problems.. because then I have to be emotionally responsible for someone else and yet I recieve no emotional support... and I have a hard enough time keeping my own mentallity at a state that I can deal with this neverending existence... I just want to go back to bed and pretend today didn't exist... like tomorrow won't be here.. If I could lock myself away from everyone and never see the light of day again then I wouldnt have to worry about anything... I don't want to worry... I don't want to...
Hi Justin... 
Under My Bed
03.15.04 (1:58 pm) [edit]These couple of posts are gonna be kinda off because tblog was down and I had to temporarily put them on my previous blog and then move them here...
March 14, 2004 10:00pm
Current Mood: So Happy With You
Well I have been trying to get into tblog and the freaking thing has been say ing temporarily unavailable since this morning... I woke up and went to the pc.. and you were lying in the bed.. I wanted to write what I had thought of in my sleep but I have had to hold it with me all day... and now I sit here aftger 10pm at night.. and I'm scared to sleep with this on my heart for I may not find the words for it come tomorrow..
Something happened to me... Not at the moment I reallized I loved you..
Not during intimate moments we've shared..Nor during the times in thought of you.. of us...And not even in times when you've shown you care..
But as I lay beneath my bed on the floor..Looking out with you by my side...
Wondering what the rest of the world was doing, and gazing into your beautiful eyes..
Something happened inside me.. another revelation if you will. Grabbing something inside of me in a deep determination.
To treasure each moment, each word, every touch of your hand upon my head. Upon my face, my skin,,, your fingers in my hair..
Every breath you exhale that I so hungrily inhale..
Something spoke to me...
You could be anywhere else at this exact moment in time.. And with someone far more deserving than I...
Yet you are here by some miracle, some twist of fate in favor of me...
What if tomorrow it were not so.. Nothing lasts forever.. yet they still do...
Just on another level.. or another existence outside of you..
What if fate decides to show favor tomorrow to someone other than I?
And destiny should snare you away from me leaving me with a loss that I have never known the grief of having to suffer?
How would I make it now.. knowing what I am without.
It's so amazing to me that you are even real.. you are as an angel that I keep expecting to diminish into Heaven, leaving me with only words of comfort and wisdom for my future..
For as long as I thought I held onto hope that there was someone out there.. that I was not alone... I had to believe that there was others that felt... that thought.. that had compassion... and now that acknowledgment that I truly am not alone.. leaves me in awe...
Are you for real? Will I wake up tomorrow and reallize this is all a dream?
If so tomorrow will be the last day that I live.. for if this is all a dream... what I am now will be dead... for it is you that brings life to me in these moments...
Under my bed,,, I lay there with your hand upon my head, only able to breathe a sigh of contentment... looking into your eyes so beautiful. And fear swept across me like I've never known... what if tomorrow you are gone?
I must take you into me.. and hold you close.. and treasure every minute, every touch, every sound of your voice...
I must not let one moment pass us by in this time.. that you do not understand what you bring to my life... you fill me, you complete me, you satisfy many longings, you comfort long sufferings, you calm me, you excite me, you give my heart wings.. with you all is good and my soul it does sing.. my beautiful song.. yes this I've named you.. bringing life to this dead existence I've been up until I met you. Giving my silence a tune, a song to dance to, I now have a beat, a rythm, a groove..
I would love to keep you here under my bed.. gazing into your beauty for all eternity .. knowing that I would be happy to do such... and knowing that I also would be selfish..
Everyone should see the things that I see.... If I had one wish or one gift to give the race of humanity.. it would be to be blessed with the gift of you... not one soul should enter of leave this realm without being graced with your thoughts,, your insight...
I would not hide you away as much as I would long to keep you secret and treasure you all to my own.. It saddens me to know that the rest of the world has no clue of what treasure I've found... and all should see your beauty.
Just promise me to steal away in private intimate moments.. Underneath this bed of mine.. and share with me, love with me, laugh and live with me, look out into the rest of the world.. and speak your thoughts to me in that voice that settles all that is unsettled in me...
Justin
03.10.04 (7:14 am) [edit]In Regards to You Post for today... (yes this is a long one.. get out the cocoa)
From Forgive and Love Again:
Ironically, even when we know the answer is forgiveness, still something in our heart cries out, "I don't want to forgive her!" These feelings are not unusual. When someone plunges a dagger into our heart, we seldom respond with an overwhelming desire to extend forgiveness to the offender. Emotions such as anger and hostility immediately spring up from the old nature and clamor for revenge.
So what can we do? Our choices or limited. We can either allow ourselves to be imprisoned by these feelings, perhaps for a lifetime, or we can dispose of them as God says we should. But God's method for putting these feelings behind us is forgiveness, and forgiveness runs contrary to our natural response to being hurt. In order to forgive we must do something we don't feel like doing.
When a woman is raped, how long will it be before she feels like forgiving her attacker? When a wife is unfaithful, how long will it take for her husband to feel like forgiving her? When a drunk driver crosses the median strip and kills your teenage daughter, when will you feel like forgiving him? When a trusted friend slanders you behind your back or betrays a confidence, when will you feel like forgiving her?
Let's be real and admit that if we wait until we feel like forgiving, it will be a long time coming or it might never happen. It may take years, even a lifetime, to settle our emotions to the point where we are "comfortable" with forgiving. There are times in life when we must do what is right even when the thought of it is distateful. Jesus told us to love our enemies. No matter what they have done or how we feel about them, we are to respond in love to those who hurt us, valuing them as He does. He does not expect us to feel "warm fuzzies" for our enemies, but he does challenge us to do what is right, even when it runs contrary to our emotions.
Christ is our example. As bloody sweat dripped from His brow, Jesus cried out to His Father, "Take this cup from me". The whip of the executioner was far from inviting. Jesus did not relish the thought of having nails driven into his wrists or having a crown of thorns jammed onto his brow. he didn't long to be ridiculed, mocked, and spat upon. He didn't feel like being crucified.
It's time to agree that we cannot allow our feelings to stand in the way of what we must do. So how do we go upstream against the rapids of our emotions? By begging God to help us. We must turn to Him in our own Garden of Gethsemane and say, "Not my will, but yours be done".
Forgiveness is not something we can do alone. We don't have the power or the capacity within ourselves. If we don't allow God to forgive others through us, our meanger human attempts will be hollow and meaningless. We must rely on the grave of the Great Forgiver manifested through us. Who better to help us to forgive when we don't feel like it than the One who forgave the whole world?
From Me:
Harder to Do than to read and agree with.. but I do agree with it..
When you find forgiveness in your heart for someone who has hurt you,,, the pain you sheltered.. that misery, the eating away that keeps you awake thinking at night.. suddenly diminishes and you see so much in a different light..
Don't let someone else's wrong doings bring you down Justin.. you are such a wonderful person with so much to offer... don't wallow in someone else's existence..
She cared so little for you as to inflict such harm to you.. why not care more about yourself than to allow yourself to remain hurt over it... Your writing touched me,,, and I know that it's hard to decide who and where you are when you have so much clouding all you see.. So clear the way and put it behind you.. so that you can embrace the beautiful person you are.. and reallize that you have so much to offer the world.. start living..
Don't look back and regret that you wasted so much time in bitterness and pain.. being lost... So many doors open up to you if you just allow the ones behind you to close...
I'm truly glad that I met you... and you are not alone... remember that... you are not alone... If it is companionship you seek, you will find it one day.. but that is not what determines your loneliness.. we are never alone.. God is always with us.. in the end.. I wont matter.. She wont matter.. your parents wont matter.. your friends wont matter.. but what lies between you and Him will be all that will be important.. Be happy while you are here, choose your friends wisely.. choose your love wisely.. honor your parents and love them.. but don't let anyone around you affect or change the person you are... Just be patient and trust in yourself.. and remember that if you need me I am here...
Jeremy Rhea
03.10.04 (6:37 am) [edit]I wrote you a reply to your email but I posted it in SilentScreams Blog.. so go here if you wish to read it...
http://silentscreams68.tblog.com" title="http://silentscreams68.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://silentscreams68.tblog....
If not I could care less anyway.. just dont fucking email me again..
Spring Break
03.08.04 (12:37 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Jonathan Take Me Awayyyyy!!!
Well Spring Break is here.. and I have like 6 kids in the living room killing each other as we speak...
I dont mind the kids,,, but it's frustrating picking up after them constantly all day... It's a neverending thing to have to clean while they are here...
If it is just my kids its ok.. no problem...
I'm not really in the cleaning mood today either... but tomorrow is Kid Rock Kleanup Day so perhaps this can all wait until then...
I still haven't made it to Lebanon to get my window fixed.. I can't go with all the kids and I can't find anyone to watch the ones I'm babysitting so I can go...
Justin,,, I'm real sorry your date didn't work out.. but I'm really glad that you want to hold out until you meet the right person... I agree with you in your search to meet someone worth while and not waste time on something you know is not going be what you are looking for.. I so admire people who are not superficial as well,, and you definately are not... you will meet a good person... you deserve it...
My cousins came over last night and we played Canasta... it was fun.. it's been a while since we got together and played... I really enjoyed it.
I'm hoping to get them together for a game of Mad Gab... I think that would be really hillarious...
Any way I gotta go I have another post to do in Silent Screams.. so I'll meet you over there...
... Jonathan ...
03.07.04 (1:58 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Melancholy
My heart sings to thee,
Sings with joy when thou art near me,
As sighing, singing branches
In the pleasant Moon of Strawberries!
When thou art not pleased, beloved,
Then my heart is sad and darkened,
As the shining river darkens
When the clouds drop shadows on it!
When thou smilest, my beloved,
Then my troubled heart is brightened,
As in sunshine gealm the ripples
That the cold wind makes in rivers
Smiles the earth and smile the waters,
Smile the cloudless skies above us,
But I lose the way of smiling
When thou art no longer near me
By Henry Longfellow
To you Jonathan... http://www.geocities.com/cott...
Hooray for a Good Day!
03.04.04 (1:55 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Bouncy
Well today has been a pretty good day. It started out bland just like the rest of them have the last couple of weeks, but ended up well...
I got to work and no one was there... so I made up some adds for the paper for March and April...
Bill and April came in and Bill said for me to come with him that we were going to work... and I'm like...
"Work, I am at work"
And he was like...
"No we're going to work on the 4 wheeler"
And I'm like...
"Cool I've never worked on a 4 wheeler before"
And he was like...
"I'm glad you wore work clothes"
And I was like...
"These aren't work clothes.. this is my Titans Jersey"
And he was like...
"C'mon"
And we got in the truck and went down by his Mom's to the barn..
The four wheeler was in there
It was broke down cause Bill had accidentally put deisel fuel in it instead of gas...
So we had to turn it over and drain it...
I got gas all over me...
It was cool...
And I got dirty...
So he got the gas drained and changed the spark plug and it was ready to go...
Guess who got to drive it all the way back to the cabin?
Yep, you got it... I spent quite a bit of time on the go today in this beautiful weather..
I got to help Bill with the hardwood in his foyer... it was cool.. I got to tear stuff up.. and I got to shoot a gun that shoots out staples... Then I got to ride the four wheeler again..
It was a great day to be doing something.. and I really needed it.. perhaps more than I thought I did...
I have to work again tomorrow.. maybe there will be a little change of pace and something else will pop up besides selling flooring that I have to help..
As for tonight.. I feel like spring cleaning so I'm gonna work on the house and cook some supper, do some laundry...
And if it's still pretty tonight,, I'm gonna go out back and look at the stars and think about you...
Remember the way you were brushing my hair while we talked lying my head in your lap outside the library... I remember you all the time.. but today I have missed you something terrible.. hmmm? Funny to use the word terrible and it be a good thing.. huh? Any way... That was my day...
Angie
Whatteevverrrr!!!
03.03.04 (3:40 pm) [edit]Current Mood: Feeling Lucky
Well St Patricks day is the next Holiday coming up I believe.. Thus far I have had an uncommonly good luck streak with Holidays.. Halloween was ok.. got to go to some Haunted Houses and Hung out with someone cool... Thanksgiving was great.. we had it at my house and everyone showed up for a change... Christmas was very great, remember my Christmas Page? Valentines Day was the Best Valentines Day ever!!! Now I am very hopeful for St. Patricks.. I know that The Day Of The Leprechans isn't as widely celebrated as some of the others but it's a cool one to me.. You gotta love anything Irish.. or I do anyway.. One of my dream get aways is to get away to Ireland... My luck has definately changed the last year.. perhaps... it's gonna keep getting better you think? Don't worry.. I won't abandon my Silent Screams.. I have too much Animosity and Bitterness built up to stay away from that site.. I still have much to let go of and I don't see it happening in the near future....
Jonathan and I went to see the Passion of Christ yesterday.. It was very moving... I loved the aspect of Mary's point of view... but to me it was as close to attending an actual crucifixion that you could get,,, I guess... It was very emotional and thought provoking.. I walked away from it with this feeling of misunderstanding.. How is it that people do not believe in Jesus? I just don't understand.. I respect other's beliefs.. you should be allowed to feel the way you feel, but I don't understand it... perhaps that's because it's not my place to understand it... I have to believe what I need to believe and accept others as they are...
I'm glad that I went with someone like Jonathan also.. he's very special to me.. and the feelings that the movie gave me were that much more intense knowing that someone was there who I could cry, feel, and discuss my feelings with openly.. It was very good...
It was a good day..
03:00 am
03.02.04 (6:46 am) [edit]Current Mood: Prospective
Well since 3 am my mood has seemed to pick up...
Phone Keeps Ringing,,, trying not to let it bug me.. just let it ring.. ring.. ring... more people wanting more things from me... but its ok... I'm fixing to leave...
I'm getting ready to leave right now and go to Jonathans...
And I can't wait... I really need to get out of the house and be with someone like spirited.. It's going to be a good day...
I wont get to talke to J today however... and I'm gonna hate that... so J if you read this I'll be home tomorrow I hope to talk to you then...
It's gonna be a good day...
Please Please Please let it be a good day!!!
Temporarily Psychotic
03.02.04 (12:40 am) [edit]Ok,,, I'm slowly slipping back into sanity... I know I'm a big baby.. I'm sooo sorry ya'll... I was temporarily psychotic almost there for the day... I really don't feel like writing about it.. (if you had called me you would have heard about it!!!) let's just say... I've been through a tough day.. I had a hard time keeping a grip on myself and reacting to situations and those around me... But hey,, I'm do my nervous breakdown so maybe you will forgive me this once...
You know what I reallized.. I haven't been putting my little mood smileys on here like I was on my other blog... I will have to remember that next time...
Thanks Kristie and Jonathan... I love you guys...
Someone does care!!!!!
Raining Today
03.01.04 (7:32 pm) [edit]Well today was a wonderful rainy day that I could not enjoy,
I only even looked out the window once to even see that it was raining, and thats it..
Why is it I feel so distressed and depressed today?
As specially with it raining.. normally the rain comforts me..
It seems that everything has been the end of the world to me today...
Does anyone care... No... you love to read about my sexual frustrations, my hate, my vengence, my love, my lust, but when I write about my more needy emotions, my saddness and my need for comfort.. do I get one call about that??? HELL NO!!! I write one expression of anger and I get 10 calls asking if I'm ok.. and I post something about being depressed and feeling overwhelmed or burdened and NOTHING...
Do you not care that I feel this way? Why are you selective in the emotions I have that you are interested in? Why not be supportive in all areas?
Right now... I hear the rain beating down on the green tin roof... stopping this seemingly whiny pitiful attempt at a blog.. so I will close and go to the window.. and hope that if I can't get comfort from those who claim to be my friends.. then I can find comfort in something else more constant... mother nature... hopefully my next entry will be more appealing to you.. I'll try to write about sex or desire.. or thoughts on killing someone and see if you might decide to pick up the phone for me...
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!
03.01.04 (7:01 pm) [edit]GOD.. My head is pounding!!!
Voices all around me..
I need this,,, can you do this,,, you have to do this,,, this is due,,, it's time for this,,, oh yeah I forgot to tell you this...
This is totally insanity for me today,,,
What would be the big freaking deal if everyone just for one freaking day-- didn't call me when they needed something..
Hey I got an IDEA... lets have an LEAVE ANGIE ALONE FOR ONE DAY day...
Do you think you could survive one day and just pretend like I dropped off the face of the earth...
If I could go one day and not have people knocking at my door,, or the phone ringing off the hook.. or places I needed to be...
And the only people that it would really do my mind good to talk to and calm my funky mood.. don't care enough TO PICK THE DAMN PHONE UP AND CALL THE PERSON WHO NEEDS THEM!!!
But thats just another freaking piece of luck for me ya know?
So you know what I dont give a fuck either!!! I give as good as I get.. so dont be expecting any comforting words to console you in your moments of despair... NOT FROM ME ANYWAY!!!!